lolitanomore's Blog

I dissociated today. I lost only about an hour, about 7:00-8:00pm. Scary thing is that when I woke up and came back to conscienceness, I was bleeding really bad. I had burned myself once, and cut myself 12 times while I was dissociated. Not the first time, but that's the most cuts I've ever done while dissociated. I think it may be the most cuts I've done ever.

I don't know why this happened. Well, I know it's because I was sexually abused, but I mean why it happened tonight. It might be because I got drunk yesterday. That's not a daily thing.

I'm afraid that the next time I dissociate I'm either going to kill myself or never come back.

My arms hurt. My head hurts. My entire body aches. I feel numb. My stomach feels heavy on my lungs and it's hard to breathe.

I'm crazy. I've dissociated around people before. I talk crazy. I say that I'm in a different place, and this is someone else you're talking to. But I don't remember any of it. When I come back, I don't remember anything. I don't know where the hour or hours went. I don't know who this person who I apparently was is. I don't know why this person hurts me.

My arms hurt really bad. 4 of the cuts go from my elbow to my wrist. Every time I move it hurts. My burn is still stinging, and some of the cuts are really deep. I was close to losing too much blood and having to go to the hospital. I wonder if they'd send me back to the mental hospital. Stormont is like a punishment when you attempt suicide, I don't think I should be punished if I didn't know what I was doing. The adults don't see it as punishment, but it's hard to be there. Only your family can see you, and you miss so much school.

Anyway, that's where I am. Feeling pretty crumby. At least my boyfriend isn't mad at me for doing this. He understands I was there and couldn't control it. I love him so much. He is so good to me. I am so lucky.